Ready to have a baby?
I once read an editorial in a scrapbooking magazine where a childless woman shared her sister's advice to her about having children. Her sister told her: "Wait until you are really, really ready. I thought I was ready and they turned my world upside down".
My thought after reading this was that I wondered if her sister thought that if she'd been really, really ready the children wouldn't have turned her world upside down. I don't know how anyone can be ready to have children if that is her definition! Children will always change your life.
Often, the things people think make you "ready" probably actually make you the opposite. For example, people think it is important to do things you really want to do - perhaps travel the world, develop an enjoyable career, or decorate the house just the way you like.
Living for yourself, and making sure you do everything you want to do, is no way to prepare for 24 hours a day of serving tiny, demanding human beings.
I often hear Christians saying things like "she wasn't ready to have a baby", or "I'm not ready to have a baby" and I wonder what constitutes readiness to them. I wonder if they have unconsciously and unquestioningly taken on worldly ideas about having children, which don't even necessarily make sense.
How would one discern readiness? Perhaps you would wake up one morning with a sudden overwhelming desire to have a baby. If this is all there is to it, you'd better hope your husband or wife feels the same thing at the same time! Or perhaps having the house and job in perfect order would qualify. A fabulous relationship with your husband or wife? A sense of inner peace . . .
Personally, I think we'd be best to give up the idea of "readiness". God tells us it is good to prepare to do a good job of raising the next generation. A starting point for doing this well is to be married before having children, of course! Thinking about how to marry someone who will be a good parent is also very helpful. After marriage, being ready to raise children only depends upon one main thing: a willingness and desire to do God's will in training children to serve and glorify him. As usual, God's ways are simpler than the world's.
We don't need to buy a house, have a perfectly new car, have travelled Europe, or wait for a sudden rush of maternal or fatherly hormones. We just need to trust God that children really are blessings, and that he will provide all we need physically, economically, spiritually and emotionally in order to do a good job of raising them. Phew, that means all of us can be qualified! It simply requires a choice to believe God!
I liked this a LOT, Sherrin. Very nice. My mom was the youngest of six, from a not-wealthy preacher's family, and my grandmother used to always say that if they had waited to have children until they could have afforded it. . . they never would have started!
Amen, great post. I appreciated your thoughts about raising children. The following phrase comes to mind:
"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called."
Where do we see from the Bible that God chose perfectly capable, prepared individuals to carry out his work? Didn't He call them first and then promise to be with them and guide them along the way?
No one, as a human on earth, will ever be perfectly qualified to get married, have children, share the Gospel, serve God or whatever. We are all broken, needy vessels in the hands of the Lord. Praise God for His abundant grace and ample provision!
Thanks for your wise thoughts, Sherrin. :)
Excellent words, Sherrin. : ) God does provide grace to grow you, WHEN you need it, often not before
Hi Sherrin! I'm trying to get into the blogging world, and your post captured my attention so thought I'd comment!
I really agree with your post - our society has a really strange view of thinking you need to have a life' (great career, travelled etc) before you could possibly fit children in.
One thing, though, is that having a good marriage is of vital importance before having children. Children are a wonderful blessing from God, but they do put a strain on any marriage at various times. A strong marriage means that tough times won't destroy it, and the children will have confidence and support. In our first year of marriage we weren't 'ready' because Bernard and I had to mature as a couple; the wisest thing to do was to get ourselves sorted out (as much as possible anyway). Once that's done, and you're worshiping God whole-heartedly, get on with it I say!
BTW, I really like your posts (the ones that I've looked at, anyway). Your such a good thinker - unlike me; I seem to spend alot of time thinking about what Noah's next meal is!
Thanks for your kind comments, everyone! I found Kimi's comment particularly encouraging because I know that she has struggled a lot as a result of having two children, one of whom died as an infant.
Thanks for commenting for the first time on my blog, Katie! I am glad you have been enjoying my blog!
Your perspective on the first year of marriage is a common one. Personally, I think Christians need to be wary of promoting this as "the" wise course of action. While I can understand the reasons why many believe it to be wisest thing to do, I also believe there are equally (or more) compelling reasons not to wait. It is something each couple must seek God about for themselves.
God can and does help couples to grow together and build strong marriages in the midst of the difficulties that come with having children. For example, Kimi Harris wrote on her blog that through the birth and death of their daughter Faith in their first year of marriage they grew closer together. In past centuries people commonly had children early in marriage, and this did not seem to hinder the development of strong and stable relationships.
I'm here from the link at Biblical Womanhood, and wanted to tell you I think this post was right on the mark. It's too bad we take the element of faith out of this aspect of life and fail to realize that if God provides a new little life, He will give the grace to get ready and to be the parents we ought to be if we seek Him.
This is a great post and one close to my heart.
We were also advised to wait a few years; one person even said to be "married singles" for a few years at least. Seemed to us that was only encouraging selfishness. Seemed to us that if we weren't ready for kids then we weren't ready for marriage. [What really helped us make our decision was finding out that all hormonal birth control can cause an early abortion and that BC of all sorts has been condemned throughout church history until the 1930's - not exactly a stellar decade ethically]. So, seemed to us that Christians have no business being involved in birth control.
We had our first baby 2 weeks before our first anniversary - while my husband was on a 6 month deployment. Its almost our 4 year anniversary - and ya know, between military moves, deployments, and yes, our 2 boys and 1 little one in heaven, we've never had the ideal chance, according to some, to develop a strong marriage. Yet, seems to us that its the hard work, God's grace in the midst, and the no-holds-barred covenant before God we made in 2003 that's building a strong marriage.
I don't think all the intentional "married singleness" in the world can build that kind of strength.
Your post is excellent! :o) "Readiness" is a really baffling notion to me when it comes to all things, but especially children. Life consists of so many ups, downs, weird situations and wonderful triumphs that we may think we are "ready" for, but the Lord knows otherwise. Although challenging situations may come our way, He will never give us more than we can handle and always provides with whatever we need to handle the situation. God is great!
I totally agree Sherrin... I guess my comment was in thinking of people I've known that had children to 'fix' their relationship - instead of the other way around; I reckon bringing children into a healthy marriage is preferable (if you can choose).
It definitely depends on the situation... there is no rule and should never be either.
I'm all for having children is soon as you can as God wills it - look forward to seeing you with bubbas in the not too distant future ;)
Hi everyone! I find your comments encouraging :). I am glad we can be in agreement, Katie!
Anonymous - I found your comment encouraging, but I was also wanted to say that we need to be careful of judging the motives of individuals. I know this may not be your intention at all, but some may read your comment as indicating that all people who wait to have children do so for selfish reasons. Although there are many selfish reasons to wait to have children, to limit family size, or to avoid having children at all, we need to be wary of assuming that individuals have these motives.
We cannot know people's hearts, or the reasons why they choose particular actions. Often it is because they are deceived by the sort of thinking that I critiqued in this post. Lots of ideas are promoted in society and even the church about having children. Many of these do not come from God. These ideas can be hard to throw off, and we need to be sensitive to that when we talk about these topics.
Unless people make explicit statements that indicate that they have selfish motives, we should choose to believe the best of them and assume that they are simply trying to do what they have been taught is best. This is true of hormonal birth control as well. Many people do not realise that it has abortive effects.
I appreciated reading your post, especially the last paragraph,Sherrin. It was a good reminder that I as a Christian must trust God in every circumstance of life.
I've never heard from doctors or current medical literature that hormonal birth control can cause abortions. I currently take it to regulate my cycle, not for the typical birth control purpose. But...I'm getting married soon. I don't want to miscarry!
My future husband and I will be moving several times within the next two years for his job. We think it would be best to wait until the two years come to an end, so that a pregnant lady or new parents don't have to deal with moving, or new doctors.
Hi there! I just submitted a comment awhile ago, before I saw your posts detailing your views of marriage and contraceptives. Very fascinating!
I also saw your views of anonymous posters. I agree, it's kind of annoying. I don't have a Blogger identity, but I do have a Wordpress blog. Here's a link: http://adayatatime.wordpress.com/
Hi Kacie,
The effect of hormonal birth control on the endometrium (lining of the womb) is what I was referring to when I mentioned its abortive effect. This one of its actions means that it is more difficult for a conceived child to implant in the womb. It is all quite technical, but from what I've heard it does state this action of the thinning of the endometrium on the information insert that is in pill packets.
May God bless your future marriage!