Getting Serious About Getting Married: Part 3

If you would like some context for this book review, please read parts 1 and 2 which are included under my books category.

Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness reinforced my feeling that Christians should not glibly suggest to people that they are called to be single all their lives, as they commonly do. Such glib references to a lifetime alone fail to recognise the gravity of this outcome. Only a culture as individualistic as our own could refer to the loss of companionship and children without a sense of gravity. They are also suggesting a lifetime without sex. This is also no small thing, as Debbie Maken so ably points out. What they are suggesting is a lifetime of struggling against our God-given sexual natures, with no lawful outlet. I explored this in part 2 of my review of the book.

Stories about person x who got married at 50 are also unhelpful. Such stories glibly skim over all that is lost through such a late marriage. Those who marry late forgo the gift of children, for a start. It is unsurprising that worldly people who do not consider children to be important would overlook this, but Christians who value the Bible’s teaching about children should not consider the loss of them a small thing. Suggesting that people who never have their own children can make up for it by volunteering in the church nursery is offensive and ridiculous in the extreme. Sometimes God chooses that people will not have children, but this is a matter for grief and not for suggestions of Sunday School teaching. Christians need to re-learn the concept of “weep with those who weep”. Yes, it is helpful to serve in the church. Singles and childless people should look for such outlets. However, there should be no pretense that this can take up the place one’s own children would have.

While I am grateful that Getting Serious About Getting Married raised these kinds of issues, and critiqued common tendencies to trivialise singleness, I also have some concerns with the approach that was taken. While it is important not to gloss over the losses prolonged singleness brings, it is also important to encourage people to live happy and contented lives as singles and to make the best of a less than ideal situation. I would not give this book to some friends. Debbie Maken is perhaps too sympathetic with discontent singles. The approach she takes may fuel discontent in young women.

Due to this concern, I cannot quite agree with Albert Mohler that “This book should be a must-read for all Christian young adults – and all who love them.” It is a must-read for mature Christians, but perhaps not for those who would be unable to place it in its appropriate Biblical context. It should, at the least, help Christians to re-think their ungodly responses to singleness. Too often, Christian responses to singleness resemble the ugliness described in Proverbs 25:20. “Like one who takes away a garment in cold weather, And like vinegar on soda, Is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.” Christians need to stop singing songs to heavy hearts, and admit that in most cases prolonged singleness is not good. It was not good at the beginning of creation, and it is not good now.