9/7/99 in the providence of God

How kindly God has thwarted me,
so that I might learn to glory in disappointments.
Robert Murray McCheyne

Today is an anniversary

My ramblings on this anniversary of my car accident are quite long, so I'll understand if you just read the bits that interest you. The end is my favourite part, so if you only have a few minutes just read that :).

It seemed fitting that I spent the early morning hours of the anniversary of my car accident awake due to pain, as I have on so many mornings in the seven years since that day. It also seemed fitting that the day before I had gone sight seeing with one of the few friends I still have who was also a friend before the car accident. I rarely see Genevieve now, but I still count her as a good friend. She is the sister of the girl who drove on the 9th of the 7th ’99. In one small sign of how far I have come in recovering in the past few years, I did not feel afraid when a new friend was driving us around a country road at night on the way back from our trip. In the several years following the accident, this mimicry of the situation in which it occurred would have filled me with terror.

The Bear

Today I got out a teddy bear covered with writing from my time in hospital seven years ago following my car accident. It is a reminder of the friends I had at the time, the strong pain killers I was given in hospital which made me hallucinate, and some of the wrong things I was involved with before the accident. Here are some of the messages:

Dear Lenny Hello Sweety-Pie. I bet your’re just faking it to get out of exams! Please get better soon – I need someone to be rude to me! All of my love, Sophie Oddy Melody.

Shezza, Shezza, Shezza, What shall we do with you? You always want to be the centre of attention! I’m so glad that you’re quite well considering! Love Amber.

REMEMBER YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS EVEN IF YOU HAD TO BREAK YOUR BACK TO FIND OUT. DARIAN.

GET WELL SPEEDY GONZALA. MICK.

So the drugs do work! Love Bron.

To Sherrin I’ve finally fulfilled my dreams I’ve seen you in a nighty. Pete.

Hello Sherrin! Hope you get well soon! I’ve seen you in a nightie too! (not that I’m insinuating anything! Love Mel.

Edit 11/7/06: I took out one line that someone objected to, because of the language used. Some words that are ordinary in Australia are considered swear words in the USA, so I want to be careful.

The Doctors

Seven years after the event, I no longer have trouble remembering the date of what the doctors call my MVA (short for motor vehicle accident). In appointment after appointment, I have confirmed these basic facts. Yes, I was in an MVA on the 9th of July ’99. On the evening of 9/7/99 I was a front seat passenger, wearing a seatbelt, when the driver lost control of the car. She was headed for trees when she swerved the car in an attempt to get it back onto the road. I thought she was going to go back onto the road, but instead we headed for a rock face. We hit at about 80 km an hour. It felt like we were in a movie. The car hit first on my side. It bounced back, hit the rock face again, and rolled. It landed on my side. I immediately knew that something was wrong with my back and legs. I managed to crawl out the broken window and lie down beside the road. The ambulance came after a long time. I was in hospital for 15 days. I was diagnosed with a crush fracture to vertebra L3, but did not require surgery. I went home with a back brace and had lots of bed rest . . .

In response to the inquiries of health professionals I recount these facts, and the subsequent effects of chronic pain upon my work, study, recreation, social life, future motherhood, sleep patterns, and mental state. I confirm that previous to the 9th of the July ’99 I did not have low back or leg pain. I confirm that I have attended physio, counselling in regard to pain management, seen specialists, and recovered from post-traumatic stress and what psychologists termed “adjustment disorder” (a fancy name for the struggle to adjust to a dramatic change in circumstances). I have a long running legal case for compensation from the Motor Accidents Insurance Board, and still have to attend medical appointments for legal purposes. The doctors attempt to answer questions posed either by my lawyers or those of the MAIB. I have already attended two of these this year.

The Spiritual

While the accounts I give to doctors may sound comprehensive, in reality they usually miss out what is most important to me in the midst of this. They miss out the spiritual. Here I want to share parts of how I view this.

Faith and Providence

Many Christians struggle to cope with the reality that God chooses not to heal me yet. In the year of the accident, I was converted. Following this I attended a strongly Pentecostal church. I was certain I would make a full recovery. I was encouraged to “name it and claim it”, and to never “confess the pain”. I was told that God wanted to heal me, and that he had healed me, and I just needed to step into that healing. This was the last thing I needed to hear at the time, as one of the most important aspects of recovery is acceptance of reality. Even the parents of the friend who drove me into the rock face hinted several times that I must have some kind of “skeleton in my closet” because this had happened to me. I still receive such comments from well meaning believers. Thankfully I no longer find them so shattering.

It takes just as much faith to believe that God is sovereign, and he has chosen not to heal me yet, as it does to “name it and claim it”. If God wanted to heal me now, he would do it. I cannot stop him. I still frequently pray for liberation from pain, for healing. Yet I have faith that God’s continued “no” is part of his deliberate plan. God truly is in control of all things. His plans are not thwarted. He may thwart us, and allow our hopes and dreams to be dashed to pieces in the midst of the reality of our limitations, but he will never be thwarted. Yesterday, speaking of a much more trivial glitch in what I wanted for my life, I said “I figured it must be providential because it was happening”. Everyone laughed at this, but they appreciated the truth of the statement. To many Christians, the idea that God was in control of my car accident that day is offensive. To me it is an immense comfort.

Gratitude

There is so much to be grateful for as I look back over the past seven years. The car accident I was involved in could easily have resulted in my death. I could also have become a paraplegic. In the weeks before the accident, the car had been fitted with inner reinforcements that helped it not to crumple.

In taking so much from me, the accident and subsequent chronic pain also left me with a deeper gratitude for what I had left. Gradually I learnt to focus on what I can do, not what I can't do. Simple and small things became more of a joy. The pleasures of nature became more significant.

In the years since the accident I can also be grateful for the immense changes God has completed in me. Although I could do more before the accident, I was not happier for it. In fact, I was deeply insecure and self-focused. Due to my conversion, I am happier now than I was seven years ago.

Of course I regret living with constant pain. I would love to work full time, meet up with friends whenever I felt like it, be more involved in ministry, or travel more easily. I regret going on that car trip. Occasionally I still think about what life would have been like if I had stayed home. Yet my dominant feeling today, on this seventh anniversary, is gratitude. God had every right to allow me to die and enter an eternity of torment. Instead, he had mercy upon me. I do not praise him enough for all his bountiful blessings. I will not allow today to end without expressing gratitude for his choice. A choice that I should be reminded of with each disappointed hope, each disturbed night, and each painful day. There is so much more I could say about what God has done through my car accident, but the most important thing to say is "thank you".

Thank you, Almighty Father, that you liberated me from a fruitless way of living. Thank you that you did not catapult me into eternity without you. Thank you for faithful parents who have helped me all this time. Thank you for changing my heart, and setting my spirit free even as my body is in bondage to pain. You stripped me of the ability to sit, stand, sleep, dance, run, walk, and serve without pain. You had every right to do all this. You are the God who gives good gifts, and you have every right to take them away. Thank you for over seventeen years of legs and a back that moved without pain. Thank you for the enjoyment and freedom of those years. Thank you that those years will come again, if not in this life then in the next. Thank you for the comfort of your presence and your word. Thank you for teaching me that you are the sovereign ruler of the universe, and the only correct response to your work is humble praise. Thank you for Jesus. Due to his death and resurrection I can look forward to tomorrow.

Related posts:

Memories of Friends
Let God’s Mercy be Joy to You
God’s Mercy to Me
Kindly Thwarted