On Marriage

Warning: ridiculously long post ahead! I would have cut it up into several posts, but the computer will not allow me to cut and paste while using blogger and I've written it all now! I have lots of section headings, so you may want to read a bit and then come back to the next section later. I won't be posting again for a few days.

The situation

The other day the lady I board with told me she thought it would be good for me to meet her next door neighbour. She has only talked to him over the fence, but she figured he might be a good person for me. I am not sure why . . . perhaps because he is young and possibly single? I wonder if this sort of desperate match making is a sign I'm heading toward the age where everyone is always trying to get you to "meet" Mr. x, y, or z. I love to meet new people, but I prefer it if they have more to recommend them than "he seems nice to talk to over the fence."

This year I have spent more time laughing about being single, and probably more time crying about it, than ever before! I wonder if those two things - laughing and crying - are related? I have had more discontent moments in the past few months than any I remember for a long time. I find this very frustrating in myself, because I strongly believe in being content in whatever state you are in. Believing I should be content and being content are two different things! I have also felt like I'm heading toward the sort of discontented single thoughts that I've been quite intolerant of in others in the past, which is most disconcerting! Plus I get scared I am just too weird for anyone to want to marry. What is coming over me, that is what I want to know! Is it the weather, the location, the biological clock?? Hopefully I'll recover soon.

With marriage, or the lack of it, on the mind I figured it is a good time to publish some of my thoughts on the topic.

I'm no expert

Firstly, I'd like to say that any wisdom you find in this blog post is solely a result of the Holy Spirit's work in my life. I feel like one of the most unwise people imagineable in these areas.

In the past I've only had ridiculous and sinful relationships, of which it is safe to say I have no good memories. I have not gone out with anyone since I was 18. (Going out is a common term for being boyfriend/girlfriend or dating over here in Australia - I'm not sure about the USA). I am now 24. The relationships I did have basically involved going out with whoever wanted me and happened to be around. I was very insecure, and just wanted to have a boyfriend. None of these relationships lasted long, but they have left me with little purity. At the time, I thought similarly to the young people Nickey described in her comment on this post. She wrote: I have been scanning some articles lately and apperantly, many of the “chaste” youth of today have a Clinton-defined view of sex and believe they are free to do anything they please except v* intercourse and remain pure virgins. This attitude certainly can not make for a healthy marriage, no matter what age that comes at. For months after my salvation I continued to believe this, and continued to behave as I had done before. I now deeply regret all those relationships, as purity certainly does not survive in such circumstances.

Travelling to the altar

I have read several books on courship vs. dating, etc. My faourite is Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. However, I have not read it for years. I also have friends who hold strong views on these things. However, I can't say my views are clear cut or that they fit into a box. Here are some of the principles I believe apply:

1. Relationships should only be entered into if both people are considering marriage. Going out is a time to consider whether or not you are compatible and want to make a life long committment. It is not just a time to hang around aimlessly! I am not suggesting that I need to be confident the person is "the one" before I go out with them. Nor am I suggesting that I want to discuss marriage on the first date (or even the second, third, or fourth)! I am suggesting it would be foolish to go out with someone whom I know I could not marry, even if I like them. I also believe it is important to end the relationship as soon as possible if, after I know the person better, it becomes clear that I do not want it to lead to marriage.

2. Listen to others. It is a good idea to ask others about how they see your relationship, and whether they think a person is good for you. Courtship principles strongly emphasise involving your parents in the process. I think this idea has a lot of merit. However, it also does not have to follow a certain pattern that is often prescribed in those books. My father is not a Christian, and he has no intention of taking an active role in helping me with relationships. Therefore, the best I can do is listen when he does comment. I also find that at times I need to be very discerning about what he does have to say. My father and brothers can be very harsh at times. As I said to a brother once after he told me I was "spinster material" (and I think he was actually serious!) "I'm so glad my father and brothers don't determine my destiny". While it is good to listen to others, it is important to put what they say in the perspective of faith and God's word.

3. Be yourself. I wrote about this here. I want someone to like me for who I am.

4. In a relationship, set clear standards with regard to physical contact. I am sure I would need this!

5. Don't expect things to be perfect. Some people seem to think that if they can only hit on the right method of courtship, it will all be beautiful. They think that they'll be able to avoid hurts and sail to the altar. However, there is no method that guarantees this. Relationships are risky.

6. Know someone as a friend first. I would want to be friends with someone long enough to have a fairly good idea of what their life's vision is and what their habits are before considering courtship. I am not sure how long this would take - it would depend how much I saw the person, and in what situations. I expect that it would take a couple of months at least. There are some things you cannot know about a person before going out with them, no matter how long you have known each other.

Considering the type of person you are looking for

The kind the Bible says

I once asked my sister-in-law what kind of man she thought I should marry. She answered: “The kind the Bible says”. What a great answer! It was one I had never considered before, even though it seems obvious now. The Bible gives ideas about what a godly man or woman looks like. For example, Proverbs teaches that it is best to avoid women without discretion and men who are angry. Titus two teaches that the qualities of sober-mindedness in a man and discretion in a woman are to be desired. I could go on and on . . .

No one is going to perfectly fulfil Biblical ideals. The key is humility. A humble person recognises the authority of God’s word in these areas, and sees his or her own weaknesses and sins. A humble person is teachable and willing to repent. This is why, in my opinion, the number one characteristic for a person is humility. With humility, all other changes are possible through God’s grace. Without it, your partner will continually ask you to change whilst being unable or unwilling to see personal sin.

I believe my first priority should be to seek God to change me in conformity with his will, not to see if others measure up to my ideals. Frankly, when I think about what is required of a godly wife I feel completely inadequate! It is only through God's grace that any of this can be achieved.

Purposes of marriage

In addition to different attributes God gives that indicate a godly man or woman, the Bible also tells us the purposes of marriage.

* In the first few chapters of Genesis, God tells us that man needs a helper in his dominion mandate. The dominion mandate is linked to having kids. As John MacArthur wrote in The Battle for the Beginning, a man specifically needs a helper to be able to multiply since he obviously can’t do it on his own (Genesis 1:28). I think MacArthur emphasised this because he wanted to point out that men don't just need a helper to do the dishes! As well as helping a man to have children, a wife is to be her husband's primary helper in his life's mission. She is to do everything she can to make his life easier and more productive, and to help him grow.

* God wants human beings to have companionship (Genesis 2:18).

* God instituted marriage because “He seeks godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15).

* Marriage fulfils sexual desire lawfully (1 Corinthians 7).

* Marriage is the relationship in which to enjoy sex and romance (Song of Songs).

* Couples can minister together and open their home for hospitality and other church activities. The New Testament records couples doing this.

* Marriage displays Christ’s relationship with His church (Ephesians 5).

There may be other purposes that I have studied. Before I married someone, I would want to be in agreement with him about what God's purposes for marriage are. If we were not in agreement, I think the marriage would not be on a strong foundation of God's word.

Roles within marriage

The Bible also has much to say about the roles of men and women within marriage. Due to the pervasive influence of feminism in the church, many people reject God ordained roles. They are offensive to the egalitarian mindset of our time. From my study, I believe the Bible makes several role distinctions. Men are to lead, and carry the responsibility before God for the spiritual welfare of their wives and households. Women are to submit to this leadership. Men have the main responsibility for financial provision, while women have the main responsibility for day-to-day childcare and domestic concerns. This does not mean husband should never assist his wife with household duties, or that a wife should never pursue paid employment. It is simply an indication of who holds the central responsibilities for these things. As with the purposes of marriage, I would want to be able to agree with a man on the roles within marriage before agreeing to marry him.

Personal convictions

In addition to these core things, most of us have personal theological or practical convictions that should impinge upon our choices. These will vary from person to person. For example, I see a belief that the Genesis account is literal history as foundational to my faith. The doctrine of God’s sovereignty is also important to me. I would not consider marrying someone who did not share these beliefs. I also have strong beliefs against hormonal birth control, due to my research on this matter, which I wrote of here. Therefore, I would not want to marry someone who wanted me to use this type of birth control. I could list a few other things, but I’m sure you get the gist! If I knew, for example, that a person was a theistic evolutionist I would not even considering going out with them. It would not matter how much I personally liked them.

Personal preferences

As well as personal convictions that are so strong they are faily non-negotiable, most of us have preferences about what we'd like. Some people love going on long hikes, and really want someone to do that with. If so, someone like me with a serious back problem is not going to be ideal for them. I have some preferences related to children. I'd like to have at least four kids (biological or adopted), and I'd like to adopt at least one child from another country. However, these preferences are not on the same level as convictions. The events of life itself could dictate that preferences do not occur, even if both the husband and the wife are in agreement.

Deciding what is important to you

One of the reasons I wrote all this is because I thought it could help others think through deciding what is important to them. You may differ from me in what you think the Bible has to say about the purposes of marriage, or the roles with in it. You likely have different convictions and preferences that you would rate as most important. The most important thing is that you know what you believe, and base your beliefs on the Bible.

Impossible?

After all this, you have to actually like the person . . . or preferably fall in love! If that all seems impossible, as it does to me often, remember that we serve a big God who loves to see his people happy and functioning effectively for his kingdom. Compromising on his word, or on things that are deeply important to you, is not what he desires. I often pray that God will show me what is truly important. I don’t want to have ridiculous standards, and I don’t think that I do. However, some things I believe are not the norm and it requires faith to believe that God can provide someone who feels similarly or at least does not oppose my views.

I hope this explanation of some of my thoughts on marriage has you thinking, and looking to God’s word. I also hope that you will share your thoughts in the comments section, as I would love to receive any wisdom you have to offer! I know I need it!