Recommended pre-marital reading

When I reviewed One Flesh recently, I promised to share some books I do recommend. For pre-marital reading on the topic of sexuality, the books Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris and The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace have helpful sections.

Chapter 11 of The Excellent Wife is called "Intimacy: The Wife's Response". Martha Peace helpfully outlines God's intentions for physical intimacy in marriage. This is useful to read before marriage, or even before engagement, because it is important to have a biblical view of the joys and responsibilities of physical intimacy before committing to a lifestyle (marriage) that involves it. Many people marry without thinking through this. Martha points out that "God designed sex in marriage for physical intimacy and the procreation of life". She elaborate upon this, and also outlines six biblical principles about physical intimacy.
1. Sex within marriage is holy and good
2. Pleasure is assured and is not sinful.
3. The wife should be "other-orientated" and not "self-orientated".
4. Sexual relations should be a regular part of marriage.
5. The wife should never bargain with her husband in return for her favours.
6. Sexual relations are to be equal and reciprocal.
To be honest, sometimes I feel daunted when I read about a biblical view of physical intimacy. However, it is great to understand these principles so that I know what God requires of me in marriage.

In Boy Meets Girl Joshua Harris devotes chapter 9 to the topic of "True Love Doesn't Just Wait: How to Be Passionately in Love and Sexually Pure". This chapter is very edifying, inspiring and encouraging. Joshua challenges readers to store up passion for their wedding day, rather than pushing physical boundaries during courtship and engagement. He says we should "love God's original design so much that we see the world's perversions of it as revolting" and "plan and work hard at being captivated by the good" in God's plan. Joshua encourages readers to demonstrate their love through choosing to guard one another's purity. My favourite part of this chapter is the fact that Joshua is so positive about being inexperienced on the wedding night! I felt reassured that even though Dave and I do not plan to kiss before our wedding day, we will probably still have a great honeymoon . . . perhaps even a better one than if we had been more physically intimate before marriage.

Several friends who like One Flesh have spoken to me about the reasons why they recommend it, and the reasons why they disagree with my review. As a final word, I'd like to say that it is understandable that many people have found this book helpful after marriage. However, it is a book designed for pre-marital reading and I would not recommend it for that purpose. If I was to recommend anything for after marriage, I would like to investigate books that are designed for that such as Intended For Pleasure by Doctor Ed Wheat. However, I am of the opinion that such books are not necessary unless you find yourself having problems. Many people manage to work these things out for themselves, without the aid of explicit books. Physical intimacy is a process of learning through experience, and books can only be of limited help.

My decision to write about this book . . .



also stems from being appalled at the authors' response to my concerns about what they had written about hormonal birth control. They were very polite, but excused statements in One Flesh that they seemed to realise were inaccurate at some level. Why they think it is acceptable to misinform fellow Christians without feeling any obligation to provide scientific evidence to back themselves up is a mystery to me. While this is not my central reason for choosing not to recommend the book, it did influence my decision to write about it on my blog. Christians need to hold one another to account for public statements. Private decisions are one thing, and I am not nosy about the choices my fellow believers make about birth control. Public statements are in quite another league.