One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond
Despite the risk that Net Nanny will block my website indefinitely after this, I am going to review the book One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond by Greg and Amelia Clarke. I am reviewing One Flesh because many people at my church highly recommend it for pre-marital reading. I cannot offer the One Flesh the same commendation. Before stating my reasons for this, I’d like to draw your attention to the book’s many good points:
The authors . . .
- Love God
- Aim to base their thinking upon his Word
- Aim is to help Christians to have godly and happy honeymoons and marriages
The book . . .
- Encourages couples to communicate about their expectations for their honeymoon and their sexual relationship in general
- Encourages couples to communicate about contraception and to do their own research.
- Could help readers to understanding the differences between men and women, and communicate openly about these.
- Promotes the importance of expressing love rather than achieving the “ultimate” sex life. Describes problems that can occur and offers ideas for solutions.
- Points out that sexual behaviour includes activities such as passionate kissing and even, in some situations, holding hands.
My central reason for offering a cautionary word about One Flesh is that it goes into explicit detail about sexual positions. This may be helpful after marriage, but it is the opposite of helpful beforehand. As one of my engaged friends said “I don’t want to spend the next five months thinking about sex”. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know that reading explicit information about sexual enjoyment makes me even more prone to have lustful thoughts. I need to kill those, not give them more to dwell upon. If you are going to read One Flesh before marriage, and you struggle with your thought life already, I recommend that you stop before the chapter about the first year of marriage. I completely disagree with the authors’ belief that it is helpful to discuss these things in detail prior to marriage. Isn’t there enough time for that afterwards?? Personally, I deeply regret reading this book and I would not want anyone else to have to deal with similar consequences.
I also have problems with One Flesh because it contains at least two serious factual errors. Firstly, the book indicates that the Bible’s first mention of sex is Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”. In fact, the Bible first mentions sex in Genesis 1:28 “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion”. I don’t see how this could be talking about anything but sex, since prior to IVF there was no other way to be fruitful and multiply. Reproduction means sex unless, as Dave pointed out to me, you are an amoeba. The authors’ minimisation of the importance of procreation as well as pleasure in the marriage union may be a result of the fact that they ignore this passage.
The second error relates to the combined Pill. The authors recommend it and state that if conception occurs no harm will be done to a developing child. I currently have two secular books on birth control on my shelf which state that the combined Pill acts partly as an abortifacient. This information is widely available. Since one of the authors is a doctor, there is no excuse for the statement that if conception occurs on the Pill "implantation in the uterus will occur normally". I have written to the authors about this, but they have not provided any scientific evidence for their statement. It is a very unfortunate case of misinformation in a generally good section on contraception.
These two errors alone would not stop me from recommending One Flesh. If I thought the rest of the information in the book was essential, I could simply tell people about the errors and offer my wholehearted endorsement to the rest of it. However, overall I think the book is more unhelpful than helpful for pre-marital reading material. I would rather simply encourage other engaged couples to talk about their expectations and about the Bible's teaching. After marriage, if couples are looking for "manuals" on the bedroom, there are other books on the market at Christian bookstores that would probably be more appropriate for their needs.
Soon, I'll post on some pre-marital reading material that I do recommend.
Hmm I haven't thought much about this, but it seems to be there isn't much need to discuss sexual details prior to marriage. That's what the whole honeymoon is about - learning that. :-) I think sometimes also it places unreasonable expectations on the couple - like trying to do it too much by the book, instead of letting our bodies instinctively learn it on our own! There's a time and place for that kind of information after the wedding.
One book I highly recommend (after you're married) is called "Intimate Issues" by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. It's written for Christian wives, and is kind of a study on Song of Solomon.
From my experience, a lot of Christians don't believe in the abortaficient aspects of the pill - which makes me sad. I would think that the side effects of the pill would also be a reason not to recommend it!
While engaged, my now-husband and I read Letters to Lovers by Tom and Jeannie Elliff. It's a book with letters from parents to their children regarding marriage and relationships and letters from the children to their parents along with commentaries and instruction from the authors. This book, though it contains the word "lovers" in the title is not about "lovers" in the typical sensual sense but the sense that the letters are to people who love someone. I pray God will show you many helpful insights in the books you read as you prepare to become a wife and help you to forget those things that will hinder your ministry to your new husband.
I agree with you, Ashley. I am sure there will be plenty of time for that on the honeymoon :).
I will keep your book recommendation in mind as well. I have told Dave that we are not reading Song of Songs together until our honeymoon :).
I singled out the most glaring error in Greg and Amelia's analysis of hormonal birth control, but I also agree with you that the side effects are sufficient that it should not be recommended! Simulating pregnancy continually is surely a perversion of God's design and an abuse of our God-given bodies. One day I want to post about the fact that it is also known to decrease sexual desire - and many women say they already struggle with a lack of that!
I also felt that Greg and Amelia were in error for stating that if conception and implantation occur the Pill will not affect the developing baby. In fact, many doctors recommend that women cease taking the Pill a few months before "trying" to conceive (and use barrier methods in the mean time), because it takes that long for its ill effects to wear off! If it is not best to conceive soon after stopping the Pill, it surely also has some effect on the child if you are taking it when implantation occurs!
Hi Laura, thanks for your thoughts as well! That book sounds great - perhaps Dave and I will have time to read it after we are married. Thank you heaps for your prayers - we need them!
Actually, Tommy Nelson's Song of Solomon DVD series, i think, is very worthwhile to singles and marrieds alike. We recently studied it with our singles group at church. It's a little bit 80's, but for the most part, the content is quite beneficial and helpful for understanding SoS.
Thanks for that word of balance about studying Song of Songs, Natasha. I am sure there are many ways to study the book that are helpful before marriage.
However, I just think that with Dave and I reading it devotionally together at the moment might not be the most edifying thing to do :). It would be much nicer on the honeymoon!
Studying it in a small group or as a church is another thing entirely, although even then it can be done in an unhelpful way. It entirely depends upon the context and presentation.
with your net nanny comment/concerns, you might want to just slightly edit your post and replace s e x with s*x and stuff like that. just a thought for you. :)
Hi Pillip,
Your comment seems entirely polite to me.
I'm no longer actively using this blog.
I believe the evidence for the fac that hormonal birth control has some abortive effect is set out very clearly in Randy Alcorn's book "Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions" (you can google and download it), and in secular sources. The only way we can possibly have any idea of how often the prevention of implantation may occur is to look at breakthrough ovulation rates. Randy's book goes into these.
My perception is that most Christians place too high a priority on the prevention of pregnancy, and are therefore overly willing to compromise in this area.
Re: the actions of the pill on the body, I think it is very different to drinking coffee. When a woman takes the Pill, she is deliberately attempting to pervert and/or shut down the normal processes of her reproductive system. This is quite different from preventing pregnancy in other ways also, such as using condoms. Deliberately changing the body's action in such a radical way is, I would be happy to argue, a perversion of God's intention for us as humanity.
I have also been told by a number of medical personel that the pill tricks the body into thinking it is pregnant - I'm no doctor, so maybe I've been misinformed.
Re: Biblical commands. We obviously have to apply Biblical commands. If you're going to insist on a specific reference to a particular activity, in order to define it as unacceptable, you'd also be facing the potential acceptability of cannibalism, abortion, and a host of other things that are never mentioned by name. We are required as Christians to look at biblical commands and principles and then see how they apply to the specifics of modern life, and the fact that something is not mentioned by name is never ever a reason to say we can't hold a poisition on it.
Personally, I feel responsible before God to spread this information about the Pill when I can. I'm a coward, and often don't share it. I also have friends who continue to use hormonal birth control. Ultimately, each of us will answer to God.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
This is great info to know.