Last year a friend asked me this question: "I was wondering if
you had your time over what you would have enjoyed more or done
differently when you only had one child." Here is my answer.
In the short space of time in which I had only one child, I am glad that I . . .
*
Always aimed to "redeem the time", knowing that future days could be
much busier. I did this even before the second pregnancy when Elnathan
was nine months old, but especially afterwards!
* Mainly devoted nap times to things like education research and
completing craft projects, or to necessary rest and cleaning. God is
kind to many of us as mothers in gradually removing that time
for personal pursuits. It seems like a luxury now that I used to set
aside half an hour a day, at a set time during a nap, to email/blogging/
necessary Internet activities like paying bills. However, at the time
that was actually a way of "redeeming the time" through limiting
Internet use to that time. It seems like even more of a luxury that I
used to have an uninterrupted hour or so to work on quilts. However, now
when I look around the house I am extremely grateful to have these
projects completed and adorning the home. It really lifts the spirits to
see their colourful beauty. Our goal must be to love God and love
others with whatever time and resources we have available, and I did
that to the best of my ability at that time.
* Established a flexible routine for Nate that was invaluable when Mercy came, including room time, nap, and DVD time.
*
Always allowed him lots of freedom outdoors to touch the dirt or
inspect garden veggies after they were picked, or roam the house.
My regrets from this one child stage include . . .
*
Comparing myself with other mothers and getting upset because they
could do more physically, or do things faster, or feeling guilty because
I had more time free for non-essentials. As you know, chronic pain
limits how much I can lift my child, clean the house, and much more! So comparisons were foolish. I am still trying to gain the skill of learning
from others, and their example, without comparing myself to them. I
think it is important not to compare ourselves to other mothers, but to
rather
seek to use our situation to the glory of God. Sometimes Mums say "you
only have time for that because you have x number of children, or your
children are x age". The truth is that our circumstances are all so
different that it is hard to compare! It is not wise to try (see 2 Corinthians 10:12). A Mum with
only one difficult baby may have less available time than a Mum of three
peaceful children in a good routine. Our job is
to encourage each other in
whatever circumstances we find ourselves. We are to embrace our own
circumstances and really apply ourselves to making the best of them. I
often fall short of this goal, and have to repent, but I do believe that
it is important to try not to compare ourselves to others. It would be
better to point other Mums to God's word or simply to encourage whatever
good they are doing.
* Spending very little time playing with my tiny boy. I read to him a
lot but rarely just stopped to interact with him in his simple play.
*
Saying "no" to Elnathan many times a day, and encouraging very little.
Much of my attention toward him was negative. Thankfully I began to
recognise this error around 20 months, and change, but some damage was
done.
* I observed/heard about a parenting philosophy in which you left things out (like bins) to train the child not to touch them. Now I wish that I'd just put them away and minimised temptations for him. At one
point we were trying to teach him not to pull any books off the
shelf, but we were much better off once we gave him his own shelf. He
was so happy with that, and left our books alone! "Do unto others" comes
to mind. How would I want to be treated if I was a toddling baby just
discovering the world? Training in obedience is vital, but we don't need
to do that with unnecessary temptations. More recently I listened to
Doug Wilson talks (http://www.canonwired.com/sermons/sermon-loving-little-ones-i-luke-171-2/)
on loving little ones. He encourages parents to have as few rules as
possible, but to enforce them rigorously. Our home should be a garden -
think of the Garden of Eden, there was only one thing they were not to take!
* It would have been good to spend more time writing out a vision or
philosophy for homemaking and parenting, while I had the time. This may
have held me steadier during difficult periods. Now I want to do it but
time is scarcer!
* Not establishing regular times for Dave and I to have "dates" at
home or elsewhere in which we focused deliberately on building our
marriage and listening to one another. We got by well with one child. Later with the second child
we discovered after breaches occurred that we needed focused time.
Establishing this pattern earlier may have averted pain later.
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