iSonto #32

There is so much to be thankful for even on the hardest days. Last Monday my thankfulness list at 2pm was  . . .

• Nate singing along with "Angels we have heard on high" and wanting it again and again, playing the piano together. Nate trying to play and sing on the piano himself! 
• Forbearance and Nate's peace when Mercy screamed and screamed 
• A dishwasher!!

• Learning to do chores together, and Nate's eagerness to help and thankfulness for being given tasks
• Books bring moments of peace to Mercy's teething screaming, sitting together reading
• Dave's faithfulness
• A reminder from our character chart of the importance of decisiveness "the ability to finalise decisions based on God's will and ways", the opposite of double mindedness
• Washing flapping dry in the sun
• A clean bench
• A friend's desire to pray together
• A chance to make some contacts for Choices of Life pro-life schools program

Elnathan was the instigator in this bit of mischief, me thinks! It was funny to come out and see them both in the flower bed, happy together.

Natey's memory verse was "Let your light so shine before men that they see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven" Matthew 5:16.

Mercy was eager to help with feeding the chooks. We love it that these birds are like pets for the children but also productive.

From garden to tummies . . .

We enjoyed the last of our corn, and we were happy that it lasted into April. Corn is a source of dietary fiber, folate, and vitamin C.

 A book we enjoyed together was "Poppy Cats Love Parties". Mercy asks for it often saying "cake", which is one of the pictures in the book.

Encouragement, ideas and inspiration came from John Piper's Racial Harmony and Interracial Marriage, including this quote:

Christ does not call us to a prudent life, but to a God-centered, Christ-exalting, justice-advancing, counter-cultural, risk-taking life of love and courage. Will it be harder to be married to another race, and will it be harder for the kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But since when is that the way a Christian thinks? Life is hard. And the more you love the harder it gets.

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iSonto #9

This week we celebrated our wedding anniversary with a whole week of festivities! Dave took the week off and we have enjoyed outings as a family for breakfast, time at home, outings to the beach and pool, museums, and more! Here we are at Franklin, the town where we met in 2005 and where Sherrin was born in 1981. On our anniversary we exchanged gifts.

We got out the wedding album and DVD slide show. There are so many wonderful memories of God's goodness to relive!

Elnathan was determined that at least one of the presents for our Family Celebration must be a car . . . the bell he is holding here was enjoyed but quickly discarded as he searched for cars. Thankfully there were some cars from Gran Gran, brought over in 2009 and being carefully given in small numbers as he gets old enough for them.

Here are the cars.

Natey's memory verse was "Honour your father and your mother" Exodus 20:12


Mercy was good at rolling a ball while on her tummy. She also thrilled us many times when she said "Bye bye" and waved!

From garden to tummies . . .

Our first delicious cauliflower for lunch on our anniversary, along with roast chicken and other vegetables, and cheese sauce.

A book we enjoyed together was The Natural History Book which we purchased last year and kept especially for Family Celebration.

We are thankful for the opportunity to relax and enjoy each other, the generally lovely behaviour of the children, and the many ways we see God at work in bringing us together and giving us four wonderful years of marriage. It is an amazing blessing to have a beautiful beginning to our family which we can now celebrate each year.

  Isonto is a Zulu word for both week and Sunday, so Dave suggested it as the title of this little update I plan (God willing) to put out each Sunday.

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First comes love, then comes . . .

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage”. For many years little girls have sung this rhyme while pushing their toy prams.

Yet is it true anymore? On August 5 The Sunday Tasmanian featured an article on falling marriage rates, titled “To tie the knot or not”.

Increasingly, young couples are choosing to live together or date for many years before marrying. A Relationships Australia advisor even suggested that marrying young may not be a good idea.

“. . . adolescence seems to stretch out longer these days,” Chris Street said.

“A lot of individuals wouldn’t be ready for marriage.”

So first comes love, then comes dating for years, then comes living together. Then comes marriage if you are really, really ready and you think it might be a worthwhile commitment.

It seems that the baby carriage is also an unpopular item these days. Immediately following marriage, most couples think of anything but babies. If they do dare to want them, they are told that it is a really good idea to put them off at least a year or two.

After marriage, travel, careers, home loans and “getting to know each other” must come before a baby carriage.

While many Christians choose to marry young, fewer choose the baby carriage over careers and getting to know each other. Most people I know wait about four years before having their first child.

Many well meaning, godly people have told Dave and I that we should also forgo the baby carriage for at least a year or two.

Ultimately though, each person and couple must make decisions that are in accordance with their beliefs about marriage, children, and birth control.

For me, waiting to have children simply because it is the “done thing” is not an option. I believe that the Bible is clear that fertility and children are a blessing, and that barrenness (which birth control deliberately creates) is a curse.

One way that God builds his kingdom is through his people bearing children and raising them to serve him. Right at the beginning of the first marriage, God told humankind to “be fruitful and multiply”.

Sex is not just about pleasure, although that is very important. It is equally about the privilege and responsibility of bringing children into the world.

When God created sex, he meant pleasure and procreation to go together. Human beings have compartmentalised this, enjoying one part of God’s good creation without feeling any obligation to accept the other.

Dave and I are both committed to these truths, and for us that means that we have chosen not to wait to have children.

This does not mean we are committed to never, ever using natural family planning (NFP) or barrier methods to space children or due to very serious circumstances. I have studied NFP and charted my fertility.

It just means that for us, welcoming children rather than preventing them is the default option. Very serious circumstances like severe illness, my chronic pain getting much worse, or extreme poverty (like, starvation level) could cause a re-think. We live in a fallen world, and the ideal is not always possible.

Unless a change of beliefs occurs though, wanting to have “time alone”, car size, not having bought a home yet, or the ordinary difficulties of pregnancy and child raising would not qualify as very serious circumstances.

So for us, the rhyme may just come true. We’ll have to just wait and see what God does. He may decide that we wait for a year or two, and we hope that we'll be at peace with that even though we're all excited up about the possibility of having a baby soon.

Children are gifts from God. We cannot presume to recieve them at our timing, and this is yet another reason why we've decided not to assume we can "wait" a year or four. If God does not bless us with children, we don't want the regret of knowing we once chose not to welcome them.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage . . . ? We'll see.

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Recommended pre-marital reading

When I reviewed One Flesh recently, I promised to share some books I do recommend. For pre-marital reading on the topic of sexuality, the books Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris and The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace have helpful sections.

Chapter 11 of The Excellent Wife is called "Intimacy: The Wife's Response". Martha Peace helpfully outlines God's intentions for physical intimacy in marriage. This is useful to read before marriage, or even before engagement, because it is important to have a biblical view of the joys and responsibilities of physical intimacy before committing to a lifestyle (marriage) that involves it. Many people marry without thinking through this. Martha points out that "God designed sex in marriage for physical intimacy and the procreation of life". She elaborate upon this, and also outlines six biblical principles about physical intimacy.
1. Sex within marriage is holy and good
2. Pleasure is assured and is not sinful.
3. The wife should be "other-orientated" and not "self-orientated".
4. Sexual relations should be a regular part of marriage.
5. The wife should never bargain with her husband in return for her favours.
6. Sexual relations are to be equal and reciprocal.
To be honest, sometimes I feel daunted when I read about a biblical view of physical intimacy. However, it is great to understand these principles so that I know what God requires of me in marriage.

In Boy Meets Girl Joshua Harris devotes chapter 9 to the topic of "True Love Doesn't Just Wait: How to Be Passionately in Love and Sexually Pure". This chapter is very edifying, inspiring and encouraging. Joshua challenges readers to store up passion for their wedding day, rather than pushing physical boundaries during courtship and engagement. He says we should "love God's original design so much that we see the world's perversions of it as revolting" and "plan and work hard at being captivated by the good" in God's plan. Joshua encourages readers to demonstrate their love through choosing to guard one another's purity. My favourite part of this chapter is the fact that Joshua is so positive about being inexperienced on the wedding night! I felt reassured that even though Dave and I do not plan to kiss before our wedding day, we will probably still have a great honeymoon . . . perhaps even a better one than if we had been more physically intimate before marriage.

Several friends who like One Flesh have spoken to me about the reasons why they recommend it, and the reasons why they disagree with my review. As a final word, I'd like to say that it is understandable that many people have found this book helpful after marriage. However, it is a book designed for pre-marital reading and I would not recommend it for that purpose. If I was to recommend anything for after marriage, I would like to investigate books that are designed for that such as Intended For Pleasure by Doctor Ed Wheat. However, I am of the opinion that such books are not necessary unless you find yourself having problems. Many people manage to work these things out for themselves, without the aid of explicit books. Physical intimacy is a process of learning through experience, and books can only be of limited help.

My decision to write about this book . . .



also stems from being appalled at the authors' response to my concerns about what they had written about hormonal birth control. They were very polite, but excused statements in One Flesh that they seemed to realise were inaccurate at some level. Why they think it is acceptable to misinform fellow Christians without feeling any obligation to provide scientific evidence to back themselves up is a mystery to me. While this is not my central reason for choosing not to recommend the book, it did influence my decision to write about it on my blog. Christians need to hold one another to account for public statements. Private decisions are one thing, and I am not nosy about the choices my fellow believers make about birth control. Public statements are in quite another league.

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Lydia's book review

Lydia has recently posted the final part of her book review of Getting Serious about Getting Married. You can read it here. Thank you, Lydia, for working so hard to explain these important ideas! You will find all five of Lydia's points about the single years helpful. Here are the first two:

1) Pray fervently and without ceasing. Pray for all aspects of your marriage. To whom it will be, the timing of the relationship, the details, your parents involvement, his parents' blessing, etc.

2) Prepare yourself. Think about everything required to be a wife and mother. Work at these with all your heart. Discuss with your parents the areas you need to improve and how to get there.

Visit her blog to read her other excellent thoughts, and to find other blog posts on this topic. As I anticipate becoming a wife in just three weeks, I especially encourage you to consider point 2. When you are as close to marriage as I am, the idea of being a wife (and potentially nine months after that, a mother) begins to feel very daunting! It is very important to work hard to be prepared, and I wish that I'd begun earlier in devoting myself to this. Young ladies, it is never too soon to start getting ready to be the wife and mother God wants you to be! I believe that marriage and motherhood is God's plan for nearly all of his daughters. Even if you are one of the rare cases where he has planned an entire life of singleness, the skills you learn in preparing to be a wife and mother will serve you well in other areas of life.

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Marriage ceremony

Dave and I have been working on the form we would like our marriage ceremony to take. We have decided to use most of this Christian Reformed Church marriage ceremony with additions from the Presbyterian service. We really like the prayer at the end, and have added to it a bit. We also like the description of the purposes of marriage and roles within it. I really like the role differences in the vows, as I am uncomfortable with identical vows like those in the sample Presbyterian service we were given. We have also added to the vows. We want the traditional "for richer, for poorer" etc. included, and we also want to promise to raise any children God gives us to love and serve our Saviour. We will probably make more additions and deletions in the three weeks before our wedding day.

We chose our hymns about two months ago. We are planning to have "Holy, Holy, Holy", "Amazing Grace", "Oh Perfect Love" and another title I can't quite remember right now - something like "Happy the Home". I think we need to practise all these before hand so we can sing with great enthusiasm :).

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One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond

Despite the risk that Net Nanny will block my website indefinitely after this, I am going to review the book One Flesh: a practical guide to honeymoon sex and beyond by Greg and Amelia Clarke. I am reviewing One Flesh because many people at my church highly recommend it for pre-marital reading. I cannot offer the One Flesh the same commendation. Before stating my reasons for this, I’d like to draw your attention to the book’s many good points:

The authors . . .

• Love God
• Aim to base their thinking upon his Word
• Aim is to help Christians to have godly and happy honeymoons and marriages

The book . . .

• Encourages couples to communicate about their expectations for their honeymoon and their sexual relationship in general
• Encourages couples to communicate about contraception and to do their own research.
• Could help readers to understanding the differences between men and women, and communicate openly about these.
• Promotes the importance of expressing love rather than achieving the “ultimate” sex life. Describes problems that can occur and offers ideas for solutions.
• Points out that sexual behaviour includes activities such as passionate kissing and even, in some situations, holding hands.

My central reason for offering a cautionary word about One Flesh is that it goes into explicit detail about sexual positions. This may be helpful after marriage, but it is the opposite of helpful beforehand. As one of my engaged friends said “I don’t want to spend the next five months thinking about sex”. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know that reading explicit information about sexual enjoyment makes me even more prone to have lustful thoughts. I need to kill those, not give them more to dwell upon. If you are going to read One Flesh before marriage, and you struggle with your thought life already, I recommend that you stop before the chapter about the first year of marriage. I completely disagree with the authors’ belief that it is helpful to discuss these things in detail prior to marriage. Isn’t there enough time for that afterwards?? Personally, I deeply regret reading this book and I would not want anyone else to have to deal with similar consequences.

I also have problems with One Flesh because it contains at least two serious factual errors. Firstly, the book indicates that the Bible’s first mention of sex is Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”. In fact, the Bible first mentions sex in Genesis 1:28 “Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion”. I don’t see how this could be talking about anything but sex, since prior to IVF there was no other way to be fruitful and multiply. Reproduction means sex unless, as Dave pointed out to me, you are an amoeba. The authors’ minimisation of the importance of procreation as well as pleasure in the marriage union may be a result of the fact that they ignore this passage.

The second error relates to the combined Pill. The authors recommend it and state that if conception occurs no harm will be done to a developing child. I currently have two secular books on birth control on my shelf which state that the combined Pill acts partly as an abortifacient. This information is widely available. Since one of the authors is a doctor, there is no excuse for the statement that if conception occurs on the Pill "implantation in the uterus will occur normally". I have written to the authors about this, but they have not provided any scientific evidence for their statement. It is a very unfortunate case of misinformation in a generally good section on contraception.

These two errors alone would not stop me from recommending One Flesh. If I thought the rest of the information in the book was essential, I could simply tell people about the errors and offer my wholehearted endorsement to the rest of it. However, overall I think the book is more unhelpful than helpful for pre-marital reading material. I would rather simply encourage other engaged couples to talk about their expectations and about the Bible's teaching. After marriage, if couples are looking for "manuals" on the bedroom, there are other books on the market at Christian bookstores that would probably be more appropriate for their needs.

Soon, I'll post on some pre-marital reading material that I do recommend.

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To marry or not to marry?

In this post, I stated that:

"I have noticed that many reasons Christians give for why they are happy to remain single are also self centered. So are most of the things Christians say to people who are not happy about being single. For example, "you have so much more time and you don't have to take care of others". Yay! What a great time in my life to value my individual freedom and autonomy so I can become more and more selfish and less willing to adjust to the serving that is necessary in marriage! [Read sarcasm, please!]. Of course, Christians can always bring out 1 Corinthians 7 . . . but I think most of us know that the reason we are not married is not because we are serving God better that way! "

In response, someone (anonymously) posted some verses from 1 Corinthians 7, concluding that it "Seems the Bible thinks differently".

The problem with coming to such conclusions on the basis of 1 Corinthians 7 is that the Paul's writings in the Bible do not present one instruction on the matter of whether or not to marry. The same Bbile that says in 1 Corinthians 7:8 "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried" also includes 1 Timothy 5:14 "I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity for the adversary to speak reproachfully".

What are we to conclude on the basis of this? The only conclusion I can come to is that there are specific situations where it is better to be unmarried, and there are other situations where it is more godly to marry. It is no more appropriate for Christians to apply 1 Corinthians 7 to all unmarried people than it would be for me to apply 1 Timothy 5 to them. I'd love to see the reactions if I started telling all my unmarried friends they ought to marry as soon as possible, have babies, and keep house, lest they bring reproach to the faith. This would be considered inappropriate. Yet it is the equivilant of applying 1 Corinthians 7 to everyone. Another reason to be suspicious of teaching that emphasises Paul's advice to the unmarried in this passage, to the exclusion of his other writing, is that Titus 2 assumes that marriage is normative. Paul instructs the younger women to love their husbands and children and keep their homes.

I am comfortable with arguing that the weight of Biblical evidence, and the weight of Paul's writing, presents marriage as the normative state we should aspire to - unless, as 1 Corinthians 7 mentions, we have the same gift as Paul: celibacy. If a person had this gift, they would usually be called to a ministry they could not do if they were married. For example, a very risky itinerant mission work. They may also live in a time of great trouble, as 1 Corinthians 7 explains. I know very few single people who serve God better than married people, and perhaps this is because they are not single due to biblical conviction and a desire to serve God better but due to selfish choices or to social circumstances that are beyond their control. For further reading on this topic, see my review of Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness.

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Wedding plans

Dave and I completed and sent out many invitations to interstate and international guests a couple of weeks ago. You know you're marrying a good man when he will assist you with tying bows and putting in split pins! A couple of friends also helped us one night. This was a lot of fun, and made the work seem like a little party!


We invited our guests to come to this little country church . . .

and then to this homey venue for afternoon tea . . .


It all seems so simple when I post it like this, but it has actually involved months of research and difficult decisions! I am grateful that the venues are now decided upon and the invitations have begun to arrive at their destinations!

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Kevin Rudd and Therese Rein

2007 is a Federal election year in Australia. At the moment the Liberal Party holds power. For the information of international readers, John Howard is the Prime Minister. The opposition leader, who is aiming to win government, is Kevin Rudd of the Labor party.

One of Kevin Rudd's central platforms has been the treatment of workers. This is a traditional Labor party focus. Recently it emerged that Mr. Rudd's wife Therese Rein had underpaid some of her workers. This embarassment resulted in Ms. Rein selling her multimillion-dollar business.

In the media presentations that accompanied these events, Rudd attempted to distance himself from his wife's business. He stated that he and Therese led separate lives apart from sharing their children, cat and dog.

It is natural that Rudd would attempt to demonstrate the fact that he was not responsible for his wife's business. However, I thought his statements reflected one of the sad elements of modern marriage in a post-industrial world. Husbands and wives no longer work together. Their everyday lives are usually separate.

This situation means that it is harder for husbands to fulfill the responsibilities God has given them, as those ultimately accountable for helping their wives to live according to God's word (see Ephesians 5). It also makes it harder for wives to fulfill their role as helpers to their husbands. Rather than helping their husbands with their work, wives are often doing a completely separate type of work that takes up most of their time.

Kevin Rudd also made a statement that was telling in regard to his views of the role of women.

"This is the age of the professional women who run their own companies, who have their own lives and are not simply appendages of middle-aged men," Mr. Rudd said.

I admire the amazing forbearance, initiative and talent Therese Rein must have had to build her company from scratch. I have read several books on starting a business, and all these lead me to the conclusion that it is very hard work! I am not arguing that it is wrong for women to start businesses.

I would, however, argue that a wife's main task is to help her husband in his work (Genesis 2). Whatever she chooses to do should not detract from this primary role. Her aim should not be to further her reputation, but to further his. See the Proverbs 31 Woman, who took care of her household and business so that her husband could lead and be known in the gates. As she did this, she too was recognised. Her recognition, however, came from her faithfulness to her family.

It is offensive to suggest, as Kevin Rudd does, that women who choose to devote themselves to furthering their husbands' goals are "simply appendages of middle-aged men". His comment appears to contradict his statement that he respects the arrangements between Prime Minister John Howard and his wife.

Janette Howard's goal has been to create a strong family life. In The Australian Women's Weekly, August 2004, she stated that she makes no apology for taking a back seat in public life.

"I see my role as a supporting one, not leading the charge", she said.

Janette does not have many accomplishements that can be listed to her own name. She is only widely known because she is the Prime Minster's wife. Yet this does not make her life any less worthwhile, or reduce her to the value of an "appendage".

For me, the discrepancy between Mr. Rudd's views and biblical ideas raised again the issue of his professed Chrisitan commitment. I do not think any judgements should be made on the basis of this latest controversy. Many godly people I know have not thought much about the roles of men and women, and make unfortunate comments.

There are, however, other sources that may be of assistance in evaluating Mr. Rudd's commitment to Christian values. In a Sunday profile from early last year, Kevin Rudd states that he attends an Anglican church but does not care at all for denominationalism and has not forsaken his Catholic background. He also states that he voted for the abortion drug RU486.

For me, this interview was enough to demonstrate that Rudd does not have an evangelical, Bible based Christian faith. He is unlikely to advocate the kind of values I would like to see Australian legislation and policy relect.

For more information about the recent political controversy surrounding Rudd and Rein, see this Sydney Morning Herald article.

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Lydia's blog

Visit Lydia's blog to find out about . . .

1. Her Candid reflections on getting married. Find out how Lydia abandoned "the faulty notion that a person should assume he or she has been given the gift of celibacy (life-long state of remaining unmarried) unless God calls him or her to marriage." Crystal's comments on this post, about being content whilst desiring marriage, are gems.

2. Her inspiring younger sister! It was such a blessing to read about Susanna's godly character. I wish I could meet her! I am sure that she could teach me a lot about homemaking. We live in a time when, even in the church, it is commonly expected that teenagers will behave badly. It is wonderfully refreshing to read about young people who are examples of God's way to spend your youth. I would be much better prepared for marriage now if I'd choosen to work productively and love God as a teen, instead of grumbling and feeling sorry for myself!

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Getting Serious About Getting Married: Part 3

If you would like some context for this book review, please read parts 1 and 2 which are included under my books category.

Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness reinforced my feeling that Christians should not glibly suggest to people that they are called to be single all their lives, as they commonly do. Such glib references to a lifetime alone fail to recognise the gravity of this outcome. Only a culture as individualistic as our own could refer to the loss of companionship and children without a sense of gravity. They are also suggesting a lifetime without sex. This is also no small thing, as Debbie Maken so ably points out. What they are suggesting is a lifetime of struggling against our God-given sexual natures, with no lawful outlet. I explored this in part 2 of my review of the book.

Stories about person x who got married at 50 are also unhelpful. Such stories glibly skim over all that is lost through such a late marriage. Those who marry late forgo the gift of children, for a start. It is unsurprising that worldly people who do not consider children to be important would overlook this, but Christians who value the Bible’s teaching about children should not consider the loss of them a small thing. Suggesting that people who never have their own children can make up for it by volunteering in the church nursery is offensive and ridiculous in the extreme. Sometimes God chooses that people will not have children, but this is a matter for grief and not for suggestions of Sunday School teaching. Christians need to re-learn the concept of “weep with those who weep”. Yes, it is helpful to serve in the church. Singles and childless people should look for such outlets. However, there should be no pretense that this can take up the place one’s own children would have.

While I am grateful that Getting Serious About Getting Married raised these kinds of issues, and critiqued common tendencies to trivialise singleness, I also have some concerns with the approach that was taken. While it is important not to gloss over the losses prolonged singleness brings, it is also important to encourage people to live happy and contented lives as singles and to make the best of a less than ideal situation. I would not give this book to some friends. Debbie Maken is perhaps too sympathetic with discontent singles. The approach she takes may fuel discontent in young women.

Due to this concern, I cannot quite agree with Albert Mohler that “This book should be a must-read for all Christian young adults – and all who love them.” It is a must-read for mature Christians, but perhaps not for those who would be unable to place it in its appropriate Biblical context. It should, at the least, help Christians to re-think their ungodly responses to singleness. Too often, Christian responses to singleness resemble the ugliness described in Proverbs 25:20. “Like one who takes away a garment in cold weather, And like vinegar on soda, Is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.” Christians need to stop singing songs to heavy hearts, and admit that in most cases prolonged singleness is not good. It was not good at the beginning of creation, and it is not good now.

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Engagement party - take 2

One benefit to Dave and I living in different states is that we could have two engagement parties! Our party in Melbourne also celebrated Dave's 30th birthday.

At the party, John Dekker quickly found the most beautiful company in the room . . .


It was great to have one of "my" friends at the party, a friend I knew before meeting Dave. It is great to meet Dave's Melbourne friends, and they are all very friendly, but I don't know any of them well yet.


We had a small bonfire, which stayed alive for a long time considering the fact that we had little to put on it! We enjoyed sitting around the fire.


To finish up the evening, we opened presents with some of our guests. Present opening is ever so much more fun when there are people to share it with! We had different guests arriving at different times throughout the evening, and we appreciated the fact that so many came to celebrate with us.

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The ring

I realised that I haven't posted a picture of "the ring" on my blog, so here is one . . .


Dave gave me the ring on a log in a forrest, amongst some of the tallest eucalypts in the world.

I was reminded to post this picture because one of my blog readers wrote a poem for Dave and I for our engagement. Here it is:

A Prayer For Your Engagement

May the brilliance of the diamond
You wear on your hand
Forever captivate you
As together you stand
Delighting in each other
And pledging to be true,
Dreaming of the day
That one life is made of two.
May this ring remind you
It’s your own love’s special token,
Declaring your love so strongly
No words need be spoken.
May its many beautiful facets
Be a delight to behold,
And may time just like the diamond,
Help you both unfold
The many beautiful facets
That make up your beloved’s life
As you prayerfully plan this journey
Of becoming man and wife.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Thanks, Glenys, for taking the time to write us this sweet message!

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Getting Serious About Getting Married: Part 2

Last week I posted part one of my review of Getting Serious About Getting Married. This is part two.

After exploring the biblical and historical teaching about marriage, and the lack of male leadership in our society, Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness tackles some frequent statements about singleness in the church today. Debbie attempts to demolish false arguments. Overall, I appreciated Debbie’s stand against common Christian arguments for singleness. She argues that God has created us with a desire for marriage because it is his will for us. This is why it is misguided to instruct singles to just “focus on God” or throw themselves into ministry, work, friendships or hobbies. God did not create these things to make up for the lack of a spouse. In the Garden of Eden, Adam had a wonderful work situation and intimate communion with God. It is impossible to think of a more perfect situation. Yet it was still not good for him to be alone. Why would God cause human beings to be entirely satisfied without a relationship he intended for them to have?

While it is good to be content with a less than ideal circumstance, singleness, it is not good to pretend that this circumstance is ideal. For those who do not have a gift of celibacy, it is not ideal. Paul was content whether well fed or hungry, imprisoned or free, but he was not required to say that he thought these situations were equally pleasant. Currently in the church, it seems to be expected that singles should pretend their situation is great. This is often conveyed through presenting all the negatives of marriage. Singles are encouraged to be content because marriage is apparently so much worse than they imagine. Such teaching distorts God’s portrayal of marriage. Debbie Maken presents the many benefits of marriage in an attempt to restore readers to God’s perspective.

A negative portrayal of marriage, and the encouragement to ignore or delay a desire to be married, may have another unintended effect. Debbie argues that one reason sexual immorality is rife amongst Christian young people is that they do not have a clear hope of marriage. She writes: “there was a time when children were raised so that their emotional and physical development coincided. As their sexuality began to develop, marriage was just around the corner” (p. 129). Now, with protracted singleness the norm, young people find themselves dealing with desires that have little hope of timely outlet. To wait for what is good, young people must have hope. This hope is reduced when marriage is portrayed negatively or unduly delayed. Abstinence education will only be successful when young people are encouraged to pursue marriage, not indefinite singleness.

Part 3 is coming soon.

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Holidays!

Today is the first day for months where I have not had any study to do! I handed in the last of 20 assignments for this trimester yesterday. I can actually have a look at some of my unfinished projects, including last year's scrapbook.

I can also get more excited, instead of stressed, about planning for my wedding and marriage. There are bridesmaids dresses to organise, invitations to write, and churches to see.

While I've been studying, I've also been procrastinating through creating things like meal plans for my future married life. I don't want to be scrambling around at 5 or 6pm every day trying to find something for us to eat! The usual results of that in my life currently are baked beans on toast. That could get a bit tiresome after a while.

I am thinking of having a rotating three weekly meal plan. Below I have posted one week that I've come up with - subject to change without notice! I also think that perhaps I will slot Dave into at least one more night of cooking duty, depending upon what our schedules are. After all, he has developed all these culinary talents after years of singleness and I wouldn't want to see them go to waste :).

Meal Plan Week 1
Sunday lunch: Spinach pies, Apple crumble
Sunday dinner: Bean soup and bread
Monday: Jacket potatoes with mushroom & feta
Tuesday: Succotash
Wednesday: Chicken skewers with green salad
Thursday: Quiche, Pea and Celery medley
Friday: Pizza and green salad, Coconut impossible pie
Saturday Sausages and mashed potatoes - Dave

I would appreciate any meal planning tips or ideas for easy meals that anyone has.

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Engagement party

Here are some pictures of the engagement party Dave and I had earlier this month. It was a wonderful time with friends and family, which we both enjoyed greatly.


It was an informal gathering, with the only formal parts of the afternoon being a prayer, a short speech from Dave, and the cutting of the cake.

We received a surprisingly huge mound of presents. It is exciting when people surprise you with their generosity!


As well as having a gospel-focused marriage Dave and I want to be focused upon loving others and having good relationships with them. We feel very blessed when we can enjoy time with people. I am looking forward to visiting Dave in Melbourne on May 10, and having another party up there! We are having a combined engagement party/Dave's birthday celebration.

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Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness by Debbie Maken is a controversial book. It only takes a quick spin around a few blogs to note that. Many of the criticisms people make are partly accurate. However, my dominant response to this book is thanksgiving that someone had the intelligence and courage to tell things the way they are.

Albert Mohler Jr., President of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, states the problem in a comment on the back cover of the book. “One of the most urgent questions facing today’s generation of young Christians is this – does God really intend for us to make marriage a priority? Confusion reigns in this area of the Christian life. Far too many young Christians sideline marriage, delay marriage, and avoid marriage in an extension of adolescence that is truly unique in human history.” Debbie Maken has done a great deal of research into this unique phenomenon, and the church’s response to it. What she has to say is sobering and necessary. Even if you disagree with her conclusions or applications, she is worth listening to on this topic because she has read and listened widely.

Anyone who has felt uncomfortable with common interpretations of 1 Corinthians 7 will appreciate Debbie’s explanation of what the Bible has to say about marriage. I have commonly heard 1 Corinthians 7 used in an attempt to ‘comfort’ single people. I have always felt uncomfortable with this use of the passage. For a start, Paul says his advice is given because of “the present distress” (1 Corinthians 7:26). His advice that it is better to remain single is for a particular circumstance, not every circumstance. It is surely unwise to allow it to overwhelm the weight of Biblical teaching that marriage is ordinarily God's will. Applying this passage to every single is also unwise because Paul indicates that everyone has different gifts (1 Corinthians 7:7). A present state of singleness is no indication of a gift of celibacy. This passage appears to be talking about a choice of lifelong singleness. If so, it is a mistake to apply it to cases of temporary prolonged singleness where a person has no call to celibacy.

As well as exploring the Bible’s teaching, Debbie presents historical precedents. In the past, the church considered marriage a duty for those who did not have the gift of celibacy. It was considered unwise and even unkind to delay marriage without good reason. Those who chose not to marry, or to delay marriage until late in life, were judged to be depriving a man or woman of a spouse. Christians in the past appeared to be more realistic about sex. Although the Puritans are presented as prudes now, they recognised that the desire for sex is a God ordained natural appetite. Christians in the past recognised that protracted singleness in the absence of a gift of celibacy often led to sexual sin.

Debbie also explores past attitudes to how marriages came about, and the fact that families saw themselves as responsible to help their children form good marriages. This was not a matter of forced and loveless marriages, as Christians in the past also saw the importance of romantic love. Women were supported in their desire to marry. Today, as Debbie says: “forget any sympathy for being single, but be prepared for a lecture on contentment” (p. 61). Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness is worth reading just for its exploration of history.

Part 2 of this book review is coming soon.

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The proposal

I sent out an email to friends and family a few weeks ago about "the proposal". Here is part of what I wrote . . .

Dave proposed to me on Friday 9 March, after going on a walk with my father to ask permission from him. They took so look that I had changed into my pyjamas by the time they got back! Still, Dave asked me on a walk and I agreed to go. I changed my trousers and put on a jacket, but I still had my pyjama top on . . . so I told Dave at the beginning of the walk that he was not to propose to me in such an outfit! I was joking, and he didn't take any notice! We have a special rock we like to sit on at the shore near my parents' home, overlooking the water. We have sat there several times at night, including on New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Dave asked me to marry him while we sat on "our rock", listening to the sound of the water. I said "um, um, yes" giggle, giggle. I had plans of profound comments like "Yes, I am sure you will always love me and be a good father to our hypothetical children" should such an occasion arise, but in the end "yes" was enough.


Dave and I usually only visit "our rock" at night, but last Monday we enjoyed a mid-afternoon picnic there! It was fun! My future sister-in-law Jen gave us the hamper for Christmas. In my last post, I forgot to write that my brother also became engaged during my blogging break! He flew his girlfriend Jen to Sydney for the day so he could propose on the beach below Taronga Zoo! My family is going to have a busy year, with two weddings in the space of less than three months. Dave and I are planning to marry on August 18, and Aidan and Jen on November 3.

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A gospel-focused marriage

A lot has happened since I last posted on “Small Things”. Susan is engaged, so is Christina, and so am I. Christina and I are planning to be each others’ bridesmaids. Being engaged is at once exhilarating and stressful! The night Dave proposed, I lay in bed thinking “I am really going to be a wife, which means I will most likely really become a mother.” Roles I had thought about for years were suddenly near enough to be tangible.

When Dave and I were courting, more than one person asked me about whether or not we were in agreement about various matters. Two questions I remember went something like this: “Does Dave agree with you about having lots of babies?” and “Is Dave a creationist?” These are legitimate questions, considering my statements of belief related to these matters. It is important that Dave and I are in agreement, so we can walk together and not in opposition to one another.

Yet the questions left me uneasy. Agreement about “the pill” or about biblical interpretation is not the primary definition of a good match. Knowing God, trusting in Jesus Christ, and focusing upon his death and resurrection are the foundations for a good marriage. My friends believe this. Yet their questions were a reminder of how easy it is for me to become over focused on secondary matters and ignore what is most important.

I strongly believe that couples should consider their viewpoints on various issues before marrying. Being in agreement is a necessity where practical and ethical decisions must be made. Any woman considering marriage needs to ask herself if she can submit to the biblical teaching and practical decisions of her chosen partner. If they are not in agreement this can be a hindrance to their Christian witness, their happiness, and to their focus upon the gospel.

This must be done, however, without losing sight of the most important things. The questions that should grip a woman considering marriage are “Does this man love God? Is he humbly willing to admit wrong and seek out what God has to say on a matter? Is he excited about what God has done for him in Christ? Does he love God’s word?” I don’t want secondary matters to define my marriage. I want a gospel-focused marriage. Everything about us should be infused with the joy of knowing Christ, and what he has done.

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