Giving and receiving advice

The discussions surrounding my honeymoon lovin’ posts made me think about the topic of advice. Women tend to think that their experience is an appropriate measure of what other women’s experience will be. They then give advice based upon this. This is what I did. My friend Christine Jolly also did so on her blog, when she advised women to go to the doctor. Since experience is not a necessarily a reliable guide to what others should or shouldn’t do, we need to give experience based advice with plenty of disclaimers. Even though I did not need to go to the doctor or read books, some women may benefit from these things. Even though some women benefit from going to the doctor, others are fine without doing so.

What kind of advice can we give wholeheartedly, then? God’s advice applies to everyone, regardless of circumstances. The best thing we can do is to point people to the Bible. This is true with regard to problems that can arise on honeymoons, as it is in other areas of life. Many of the problems women shared with me arose partly from a lack of biblical understanding. They had false ideas about what was sinful. A thorough understanding of God’s word would have created a healthy anticipation of God’s plan, rather than serious fear or inhibitions. Therefore, I can wholeheartedly advise any woman to consider the Bible’s teaching on sexuality in the months prior to marriage.

The Bible is also the first place to turn when we are given advice. Often we receive snippets of advice in the course of conversation. The person may not intend to “advise” us, they’re just sharing experience or ideas and giving recommendations on the basis of that. Sometimes this advice is excellent, with a wonderful biblical basis. At other times it is based only on human ideas or experiences. One piece of advice Dave and I received from several godly people was “wait a while before having babies”! We had already decided not to deliberately wait. Yet we took these comments seriously.

Clarity was given when we thought about whether or not the advice was biblically based. We quickly realised that no one had given us any biblical reasons for waiting. We’d been told that it was easier not to have babies, it gave you freedom to travel, you could “get to know each other”, and you could establish yourselves financially. These comments came from a well-meaning desire to help us avoid hardship, but they were not based upon any biblical ideas. Since we’d tried hard to develop a biblical perspective on child bearing, we felt free to continue to plan according to this rather than according to human experiences or ideas. We didn’t need to fear.

On the Internet there are many people giving their “two cents worth” about a host of topics. Some want to warn us away from evangelical feminists, others from advocates of biblical patriarchy. Women share their experiences and opinions in regard to everything from submission to motherhood, end times theology to university education. As we read these opinions, it is always worth asking the question “where does this idea come from”. Does it have its origin in the Bible, or is it a product of human opinion and experience? We can learn a lot from the experiences of others, but ultimately we will answer to God.

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Congratulations Susan!

I love Susan's clever announcement of her honeymoon baby. I am thrilled for Susan . . . and maybe a teeny bit jealous!

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Being prepared

My recent posts on honeymoon lovin' have resulted in comments that are very helpful to me in understanding some of the problems people can have. I have also received emails privately, one of which has helped me to understand that some women are unaware of basic details about physical intimacy and/or think these things are sinful. I deeply appreciate the time people have taken to email me and/or comment, and the respect they have shown in expressing their disagreements. If anyone else would like to do so, my new email address is sherrindrewATgmail.com. I may not reply quickly, as I do not have much time for the Internet.

From my first post, I have never advocated total ignorance. I also do not think this is the norm. My mother, who married over thirty years ago, said that she had no problems and there was no need to analyse physical intimacy or read books about it! To paraphrase her comment: "You just enjoy sex with your husband!". I am grateful to those who have written in to let me know that for many women, it just isn't that easy. This has helped me to understand that some women may need months to think about these things and process new information.

In general, I completely agree with the advice Candice Watters gave in Prep for the Wedding Night. Candice is a wise woman, with many years of marriage behind her and a good understanding of the temptations of human nature.

A candid conversation with an older married woman you trust would be helpful a few weeks before the wedding. You really don't need much time to prepare. And your fiancé will need even less. He should have a similar talk with a man he trusts (ideally you would be taking to married spouses) a few days before the wedding. Any sooner than that will just leave him tempted to fantasize.

Candice explains the value of godly mentors, and goes on to write:

Be careful not to overdo it. A little preparation before the wedding will go a long way. You can anticipate a honeymoon full of the time and privacy you'll need to explore, discover and practice — that's what it's for, or used to be, when bride and groom were virgins. And when the honeymoon's over, you'll have a lifetime together to learn about sex and get good at having it.

So much of what Candice says has me saying "Amen, sister!"

The more you save for the honeymoon, the better it will be! Have fun, enjoy one another and this wonderful gift. And relax, most of what you need to know can be learned together after the wedding.

However, while Candice's advice may be generally applicable, there are situations where it would not be best. If you are a person with very little knowledge of the process of physical intimacy, it may be wise to consult someone months before the wedding. If no one is available, a book would be a good option. Books may also be a good option for those who feel very inhibited or embarassed about this area of God's creation.

In case every single person is about to exit my blog thinking that the only topics it will ever cover are those related to honeymoon lovin', fear not! This is the last post I plan to do on this in the near future.

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When Ignorance is not Bliss

In response to Blissful Ignorance, Zan bravely shared her traumatic honeymoon experiences. She attributed these to a total lack of knowledge. As a result, I felt the need to write another post on this topic.

Ignorance is not bliss if it involves a total lack of knowledge about the way physical intimacy progresses. It is also not bliss if couples believe that first experience is likely to be one of unmitigated joy and pleasure.

The type of ignorance that can be good in many cases is the absence of the sort of detailed knowledge about physical intimacy that can be found in book like Intended for Pleasure or in the later part of One Flesh. This knowledge can much more happily be gained after marriage, much of it through experience and without the aid of books.

Couples preparing for marriage are wise to discuss their expectations with one another. They are also wise if they seek out godly counsel from people they respect. There needs to be much more open communication amongst people in the church about these matters, so that engaged men and women know whom they can turn to for answers to their questions.

One friend told me that in her former church each engaged couple was paired up with a married couple. The week before the wedding, the men and women met separately to discuss physical intimacy. This sounds like an excellent idea. In a one-on-one situation, knowledge can be catered to individual need. This is also a situation of accountability.

If godly, open people are completely unavailable, carefully choosing certain parts of books like One Flesh to read could be helpful. This should really be a last resort, however, since the option of learning through one-to-one relationship is a much better one. Christians who want to help engaged couples would do best to offer them their time and advice, rather than such books.

I don’t want to contribute to any false ideas about unmitigated honeymoon bliss through sharing how wonderful my honeymoon was. My perception that my honeymoon was fantastic is perhaps partly due to realistic expectations about it. I expected pain. In some ways the pain was worse than I expected, and in some ways it was better. If you are engaged and would like any more details about pain and how to manage it, please ask me personally.

We also probably enjoyed our honeymoon to the max because we were so physically restrained beforehand. When you haven’t even kissed before, it adds a dimension of wonder and delight that wouldn’t exist for couples who had pushed a lot of boundaries and only had one or two left to topple.

Communication was a key for us. Physical intimacy would have been much more difficult and perhaps even traumatic if we had struggled to communicate. We can imagine that without effective communication it would be easy for a honeymoon to turn into a nightmare.

The kinds of problems that crop up on honeymoons cannot be solved through saturating yourself with explicit knowledge that often leads to temptation or worry. They can be helped through godly counsel, realistic expectations, honest and tender communication, and virtues such as patience.

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Honeymoon pictures

On the first night of our honeymoon we stayed at a bed and breakfast across the road from the church where we got married! I am glad none of our friends and relatives treated us to gongs or other midnight pranks!

The next day we travelled for over four hours to our next destination . . . Aurora Beach Cottage near Bicheno. This remote cottage is right on secluded beach. We did not see another person on the beach during the four days we were there. It was a delightful place to stay, and one day there was a glorious rainbow reaching right from the cottage to the beach.


This is my favourite honeymoon picture! We took a day trip to Freycinet National Park, about an hour's drive away. We used the self-timer for this photo. No-kissing rules before marriage make kissing an exciting novelty while on honeymoon . . . and perhaps for the first few months of marriage as well!


For the last four nights of our honeymoon we stayed at Lemonthyme Lodge near Cradle Mountain. We stayed in a cabin overlooking the wilderness. We enjoyed going to walks along nearby trails. We went to Cradle Mountain, about 45 mins drive away, and enjoyed walking around Dove Lake.

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Blissful Ignorance

Recently my friend Christina received the gift of yet another explicit book about physical intimacy. Christina is to be married in December, and apparently some friends feel that she ought to be as knowledgeable as possible about sexuality beforehand. In response, Christina and I have been toying with the idea of writing a book titled “Blissful Ignorance” or “Ignorance is Bliss”. We recognise that people recommend explicit books with the best of intentions. However, we would like to respectfully put forward a different point of view.

These books are unhelpful to unmarried people who are trying to remain emotionally and mentally pure in preparation for the one they love. They are also a product of the world’s obsession with the mechanics of sexuality. God has made a man and his wife to enjoy one another, and we can trust that under ordinary circumstances this will be the case.

Christina and I are not, of course, arguing for complete ignorance: some knowledge of human anatomy and reproduction, and of the Bible’s teaching on physical intimacy, is important. It is the pedalling of very detailed material to unmarried people that we consider both unnecessary and harmful. This material can cause unnecessary temptation, and even worry about unpleasant problems that may not occur. It is our opinion that people will be happier if they do not read it.

Dave and I had a fantastic honeymoon without the aid of any shared reading of explicit books. Neither of us could claim to being blissfully ignorant beforehand, but we don’t think that most knowledge we did have was of much use to us. Really, the honeymoon would have been just as blissful if we’d been less knowledgeable.

My advice to unmarried people is this: trust that God has made physical intimacy great, and you don’t need to know much more than that! You can be happily ignorant, trusting that God has an excellent plan for you to know your future partner in a more wonderful and exciting way than you can imagine. After marriage, you have the rest of your lives to explore his plan.

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